I have a problemwith my boyfriend of 7 months - I want sex more than he does. We have sex about 2 or 3 times a week, but Iwant it more. I’m told a lot that I’m very attractive and I've never had thisproblem with other men.
At first he wasvery eager, but then it faded. I often make a special effort and dress up forhim, but I can’t do that all the time. He pushes me away sometimes when I comeonto him and very rarely instigates sex. Its making me feel rejected andunattractive.
The other day he turned me down because had just got out of thebath and we were going out. I don’t know where to go with this and otherwise wehave a good relationship, but its starting to get me down.
This issomething of an unknown - or unspoken - problem that many couples face. You'veno doubt heard that in some relationships, it's the woman that wants sex lessthan the man, but in some (like yours) it's the other way around.
There could beany of a couple of issues going on here. Either he just doesn't need as muchsex as you do, or it's the very closeness of your relationship that's causinghim to be less sexually interested. Just an aside, this probably has little todo with your looks by the way.
In the firstcase you can do a lot to improve this here by helping to get some regularexercise, drop weight (if he's heavy), help him to change his diet, help him torelieve stress at work and many other things that can affect the libido - maleOR female.
If these thingsaren't the case it might be the closeness problem. Let me explain: (*warning:there's some science coming up next, but it's important to help understand theproblem.)
Human males(just like 98% of all mammalian species) are not monogamous by nature. In fact,it's that inborn need to hunt (to have sex with different females) that helpsto insure the survival of the species and to pass their genes on to the nextgeneration. However, we can choose to be - going against our natural wiring.
The idea of the"pair-bond" (monogamous coupling) is actually very new to humans -only being about 5,000 years old. That seems like a long time until you realizethat we've been around for about 7.5 million years. That means that we've onlybeen doing the pair-bonding thing for about 0.067% (that's 67/1000th's of apercent) of the time we've been here! We've been doing it the other way formore than 99.9% of the time! In fact, pair-bonding isn't "natural"for humans any more than it is for most mammals.
I told you thatfor one simple reason: your boyfriend may actually be fighting his on internalwiring to be faithful to you! This is also the reason why many men like porn -it gives us the ability to stay true to our promises to you while addressingour internal needs.
I'm guessingthat you also live together which actually enhances his lack of interest. Ineffect, you're too close to him so his natural wiring kicks off and reduces hissexual interest in you somewhat.
Knowing thishowever, gives you new tools that you can use to help improve your sex life. I'mnot suggesting you bring in new partners or send him out to get laid. I'msuggesting that by dressing up and even wearing a wig on occasion, you'll findthat you appear like someone else and this may very well improve his interestin you.
Another way tocheck this is to see how he is after he comes home from a trip. Is he horny allthe time for days afterward? If so, it's likely because of the separation. Thistells you that by changing things up - choosing different locations forinstance or having sex differently - you may really help to increase thequantity of sex you get.
For instance,instead of always starting off with a make-out session, blow him instead butdon't let him finish. Then, get to the make-out session. You might alsomasturbate for him and let him do that for you too. There are 1001 ways tochange things up and they don't have to be big changes at all. All of thesethings will help to increase his sexual interest in you.
Ultimately,you're in the same boat as many of the guys that write to me. You can make somesubstantial improvements here with your own actions and attitudes, but you'restill not likely to get all the sex you could want. It's common for couples tobe somewhat sexually mismatched. Thus, I strongly encourage you to become agreat mastubator at the same time to help deal with your needs.
Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. Having written 3 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World™" series) and is working on others, hundreds of articles, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows, he is funny, direct and intuitive.Do you have a burning question that needs an answer? Are you a man that wants to better experiences with women, or a woman that wants to better understand men? To learn more, go to http://beingaman.com.
, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
