Now this is the real American Dream! I’m here to let you know that it is totally possible to lose all the fat you want while eating nothing but junk food. The only hitch is that all the fat you want to lose is going to have to be zero!

Here are some tongue-in-cheek (or burger-in-belly) suggestions for how you can turn even the greasiest, sugariest, most overprocessed calorie bomb into lean, mean diet food.

How is this done? Here’s a hint: it’s all in how you choose to look at the food...

1. Eat donuts instead of solid pastries. You will be saving a tremendous number of calories by eating something with a hole in the middle. You can save upwards of 3 to 5 calories per pastry by doing this. That means if you eat 10 donuts, you’ve saved yourself almost 50 calories! Besides, everyone knows nuts are good for you...

2. French fries can help prevent heart attacks. It is a fact that French people suffer fewer heart attacks and have lower rates of heart disease. French fries are obviously from France, therefore it naturally follows that French fries can prevent heart disease.

3. Pizza is one of the healthiest foods on the planet. There are many reasons for this:

   • The bleached flour in the crust sucks up all the grease that drips down from the toppings, trapping it so you don’t see it while you’re eating. If you don’t see it when you eat it, it has no calories.

   • It’s round (stay with me here). Because square-shaped foods have corners, they contain a lot more calories than round foods. To save even more calories, cut a hole in the center of the pizza (refer back to #1 for full details).

   • The cheese on the pizza is loaded with calcium - even more than the Tums you’re going to need after eating the whole thing.

   • You can easily reduce your servings without sacrificing enjoyment. Instead of cutting the pizza into 8 slices, try cutting it into only 4. You’ve just eaten HALF the number of slices you ate before! Imagine how many calories you’ll save by doing that!

   • Vegetables covered in grease are still vegetables. Never mind that all the nutrition has been baked out of them, you’re still getting you’re recommended daily servings of veggies.

   • There is plenty of fiber in the paper that’s stuck to the bottom of the pizza. Don’t be afraid of it.

4. Beer is the absolute best beverage you can drink when you’re watching your waistline. It helps to put it right out there in front you where you can see it.

5. Look for foods that have air bubbles in them. Examples include chocolate bars, Twinkies (after you suck the cream filling out), soda pop, sponge cake, and cheese puffs. As you know, air has no calories. Look at these foods as the wrapping for a low-calorie, low-fat serving of air.

6. Putting ketchup on anything makes it healthy. Think about it. You’re getting your vegetables in a concentrated paste. It’s like stepping into the future... today!!

7. Here are a number of delicious, zero-calorie foods you may not be aware of:

   • Anything eaten while standing has zero calories.

   • Anything eaten off somebody else’s plate has zero calories.

   • Food sampled for "tasting" purposes during preparation has no calories.

   • Food sneaked from someone after you distract them is also calorie-free.

   • Anything eaten after the expiration date contains no calories.

8. Eating ice cream can actually help you burn an enormous amount of calories. The key to this lies in its temperature.

   Ice cream is very cold. When you eat ice cream, your body must expend energy (a.k.a. calories) to warm it up to your internal body temperature.

   When you work through the scientific formulas for heat conversion, you can see you will end up expending approximately 6,000 calories to heat up a small dish of ice cream to body temperature. Drinking ice cold beer with your ice cream amplifies this effect.

These diet tips should have you well on your way towards effectively peeling off pounds of unsightly fat.

Think of me next time you’re eating a pizza with french fries and ketchup on top, dunking your donuts in a glass of cold beer, and shoving down Twinkies (with the filling sucked out) mashed into a dish of nice cold ice cream!

DISCLAIMER: The preceding information is not medical advice and should not be taken as such. If you feel the urge to take any of this "information" seriously, please lie down until the feeling goes away. Thank you.